I'm Still Here
by Sentra
Summary: RenHoro songfic yaoi. my first one of the kind. Ren learns alittle more about HoroHoro, who learns in turn to trust Ren... so many mistakes... FINISHED


I'm in Japan, and as awesome as it is to be able to buy manga anywhere, I miss English! So, here is my awful, horribly written songfic, just so I had something in English to read. And then I went and wrote half of it in Nihon.... That in itself was VERY annoying... It's so inconsistent with everything...  
  
Our boys are spending the night at a hotel, about mid manga 11. because of... money? ... they have to share rooms. Two boys per room, and one bed. Yeah. And HoroHoro is wearing pants. Not shorts. Plus it's probably way to cliché ic. If anybody doesn't get it tell me. If you hate it, tell me what needs fixed. If you liked it, tell me what you liked. The song is from treasure planet, but I think Disney stole it from somebody else. This is for Jenhachisan and Jensan and Kenziechan. They allowed me to shove it in their faces for editing. This is also for Falcon Strife and the Flamethrower moron. Flamer – suck gay dick. I also may have portrayed Oyaji wrong – but this is how he came across to me. I also kind of made up the bit about the coltsfoot being of limits to humans – I really have no idea... 2004.07.07-2004.07.07  
  
..I am a question to the world..   
..Not an answer to be heard..   
..Or a moment that's held on to..  
  
_Of all the people, why him?_  
  
The AC was kicked on enough to be below freezing and Ren was shivering as he tried to sleep.  
  
His bedmate had kindly given him all the blankets, and was curled lightly on his side. It was also noted, the idiot was still fully dressed, snowjacket and all.  
  
Slightly angry that the other was sleeping so peacefully, Ren kicked HoroHoro.  
  
It wasn't meant to be harsh, but the Ainu's action stated otherwise. The bluenette jerked away, with a slight whimper.  
  
The whimper seemed off, and Ren sat up to look at the other.  
  
"Jeez, Ren... What was that for?" His voice was drawn and he curled up tighter.  
  
"It's cold, and I can't sleep."  
  
The boy looked over his shoulder. "And you kicked me why?"  
  
"It's your fault."  
  
A visible twitch was witnessed, and HoroHoro got out of bed. He stalked over to the AC and switched it off. As he came back, Ren noticed a dark shadow on the boy's jacket, and he also noted how it'd crepe onto the bed. Silently he sat, as the boy returned to his curled position.  
  
"It must be way to warm for you here."  
  
"Hmm. At times."  
  
"Is it now?"  
  
"A little."  
  
Ren peered over the shoulder of the other. "So why wear the jacket?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because isn't an answer."  
  
"Ren, it's nice having a conversation with you without fighting...can we keep it like that?"  
  
..And what do you think you'd ever say..   
..I won't listen anyway..   
..You don't know me..   
..And I'll never be what you want me to be..  
  
Ren grabbed the boy's shoulder and turned him on his back.  
  
"Ren?! What?"  
  
The dark stain stared back at him, and he yanked down the zipper.  
  
HoroHoro swung at him, and Ren grabbed both hands and pinned them.  
  
"REN! STOP!"  
  
Ren peeled the jacket away; the sounds of HoroHoro's uneven breathing and the sticky blood catching caused him to go slowly. Hidden beneath were three deep gashes. They ran across the torso and had begun to clot against the fabric.  
  
"Ren...Ren let go..."  
  
"HoroHoro."  
  
"Please let go... please?"  
  
"These need bandaged, or they'll never heal right."  
  
HoroHoro's voice was quiet. "....I don't want them to heal."  
  
Ren tore his eyes away from the blood in shock. His own gold eyes caught the tearing ones, and HoroHoro spoke again. The boy's voice was even softer than before, and Ren had to strain to hear it correctly.  
  
"I don't wanna forget what happened."  
  
Ren brushed the sagging headband away in favor of peering deeper into the boy's face, but instead he found a massive bruise hidden under the cloth. Another one matched it, down on the Ainu's shoulder. "I don't understand."  
  
"...I was shot..."The voice was far away and distant.  
  
This statement caused Ren to look back tot the other in shock. "What?!"  
  
"Gah! Ren! Let me go!" "What other injuries are you hiding!?"  
  
..And what do you think you'd understand..   
..I'm a boy, no I'm a man..   
..You can't take me, and Throw me away..  
  
"Nothing! Now leave me alone! Let me go!"  
  
HoroHoro threw off Ren, but the Tao came back with force. Ren pinned the boy, twisting the arms to rest behind the back.  
  
"REN!" HoroHoro yelled to be freed. Ren feared it to loud and shoved the head of the bluenette into the pillow. One fluid movement left the other bare, with the exception of the boxers. Ren let go of the boy to examine the swollen ankles.  
  
"Horo- these are still unhealed as well!"  
  
The boy made no sound, and the only movement was the slight shaking on his shoulders as he cried.  
  
"HoroHoro?" Ren turned the boy over.  
  
Silent seconds passed, before the boy could speak. "Ren?" the sound itself was small, and hoarse. Tears ran freely down the pale face, as he tried to calm himself. "Don't ever do that again."  
  
The other sat back, dumbfounded. He was unable to form a reply. HoroHoro turned back on his side, managing to get one arm in front of him. The other lay useless behind him. He curled up, much tighter than before, and cried himself to sleep.  
  
Ren sat there and watched the boy, his own heart aching in turn. Something about the pitiful display struck him deep, and he was sure what he'd witnessed was never before seen for anyone. It was something HoroHoro may have even hidden from himself, and the demonstration confused him to no end.  
  
He took one of the lighter sheets and covered the boy. He then rose and walked to the AC and cranked it on as high as it would go.  
  
He returned to the bed, wrapping himself in the blankets, but he could not sleep. Instead, he stayed awake, mulling over the actions he could not explain.  
  
..And how can you learn what's never shown..   
..Yeah, you stand here, on your own..   
..They don't know me..   
.. 'Cuz I'm not here..  
  
TIMELINE FART – taking place in manga 21, between Rijerugu(erm... I think I may have translated incorrectly) bringing HoroHoro back, and Pirika and he talking. –  
  
After Rijerugu had returned with HoroHoro, Ren found himself making his way to the room he'd been placed in. He'd yet to awaken, but Pirika had already busied herself in patching him up.  
  
"May I help?"  
  
She shrugged. "Onii-chan has done it again.."  
  
The two worked side by side, fixing up the other. Slowly, the other one awoke. His mind swam with the thoughts of a previous betrayal. The last two people he wished to see at the moment, where the two he had to face now, as conciseness returned  
  
Pirika, sensing Ren's need to speak with her brother, excused herself from the room.  
  
At first, Ren said nothing, simply continued to clasp the bandages closed. Confusion hung in the air, mixed with anger and fear.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
HoroHoro obviously did not expect a question such as that, and simply stared.  
  
"Well?"  
  
The Ainu shrugged. "Been better."  
  
"But are you okay now?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Ren's hand whipped out, and he smacked HoroHoro across the face.  
  
"Jeez, Ren... What was that for?" He sounded so hurt.  
  
"You nearly get yourself and Chokorabu killed to save me and when I finally wake up, you're no where in sight!"  
  
"And your point – "  
  
"Is – that once I do see you again, you're a complete wreak! Do you enjoy getting beat up?!"  
  
..And I want a moment to be real..   
..Wanna touch things I don't feel..   
..Wanna hold on, and feel I belong..   
..And how can the world want me to change..   
..They're the ones that stay the same..   
..They don't know me..   
..'Cuz I'm not here..  
  
HoroHoro didn't answer.  
  
"Now what's wrong?"  
  
The boy went from staring at his hands to resting his head upon his knees. Before Ren had a chance to speak, HoroHoro did. "He left me again."  
  
Ren sat on the bed next to him. "Who?" "Oyajiï ....my father."  
  
Ren snorted. "Yeah, well, Father's are bastards anyway."  
  
The air was freezing, and Ren surprised them both by putting an arm around the cold shoulders.  
  
HoroHoro turned two dull darken eyes to the other.  
  
_"Heavy yet?"  
  
"Iie."_  
  
Faint voices could be heard, and the black of HoroHoro's eyes seemed to consume Ren's vision.  
  
_"Now?"  
  
"Iie."  
_  
And next came a picture.. _A small boy, struggling to stand under the heavy weight being piled in his tiny arms. A huge man stood before him, another bag in hand. "Heavy?"  
  
Beside the fact he could hardly stand, the boy continued to say – "Iie."  
  
Finally, when it appeared the boy's arms would snap., the whispered.  
  
"Hai" he said.  
  
Anther bag was added to the pile, along with the statement "You're little sister could manage more." The large man took his own share, and left.  
_  
..And you see the things they never see.. .  
.All you wanted, I can be..   
..Now you know me, and I'm not afraid..  
  
_The tiny boy managed to take three steps before the bags fell, burying him underneath.  
  
"Stupid Brat" the man muttered, before grabbing a single bag from the pile. "Don't come home until you've stored these all correctly."  
  
The boy pulled himself out of the pile and managed to lift two bags on his own. Seven in all he'd condemned himself to carry.  
  
Thought he falling snow, he carried his double burden. Upon the last trip, he attempted to carry three. Every step was faltered and uneven, until at last, one fell. With no choice, the small boy continued without it.  
  
When he came back, he was alarmed to find it had ripped, and his family's rice lay scattered in the snow.  
  
"Well, well. Little HoroHorochan." The boy paused in his efforts to pack the tiny grains back in the bag. Two older boys made their way down the path towards him.  
  
His Onii-san knew these two well, and had often fought with them. They didn't respect their walk in life, and everyone knew it. The boy had been warned to always avoid them – even to run away like a coward if need be. Nothing more did the child want to do, but his task fueled his braver, and he stood guard over the spilt food.  
  
The first blow send him down to suck snow.  
_  
_The shorter of the two boys took the split bag, dumping it's contents to be lost in the snowfall. In rage, the boy threw himself at he other, only to be pinned by the second boy. His arms were forced behind his back, and the taller one sat on them to pin keep them in place.  
_  
..And I wanna tell you who I am..   
..Can you help me be a man..   
..They can't break me..   
..As long as I know who I am..  
  
_"Get off! Let me go!"  
  
As the boy's voice rose, the taller one shoved the head in the snow. They laughed as he struggled to escape. An idea formed in their minds, and the wish to inflict pain because of hatred to their prey's family and the joy of toying with life was fueled into a blazing fire.  
  
In no time, they'd stipple the child of his cloths and bound his arms back with his own socks. The snow around his head began to melt by his screams and tears. The ations turned harsh as one held down his shoulders, pressing his upper body into the frozen ground.  
  
And the other came from behind.  
  
The child screamed like his heart was being cut out with each thrust. Blood flowed freely to stain the white snow beneath him. The wind rushed at the snows loss of its white purity but the tiny flakes could not yet fight back.  
  
The monster holding the shoulders fished out his knife, and the two drew little pictures on the boy's legs, just to watch the muscles spasm in agony.  
  
Then the boy stopped moving. Disappointed that they fun had ended so quickly, the shorter one took the knife and plunged it in to the boy's thigh. He got up, and kicked the busted_ _bag. The taller one drew his knife from the body, ripping the flesh, causing more blood to drain from the cooling body.  
_

_  
But the boy's soul had fled in fear already. Gororo had sensed the distress of his master's son and had left to find him. The boy was very small, and often got lost, and when it would happen, when ever the child became to frightened, he would escape to the fields. The Coltsfoot fields had long been the young boy's haven, and Gororo entered the realm.  
  
Every slower did the field shrink, and humans were not usually allowed in, but little HoroHoro often found his way in, with or without the Koropokkuru elder's permission.  
_  
..And I want a moment to be real..   
..Wanna touch things I don't feel..   
..Wanna hold on, and feel I belong..   
..And how can the would want me to change..   
..They're the ones that stay the same..   
..They can't see me..   
..But I'm still here..  
  
_The young HoroHoro was curled up before the elders. Gororo knelt before them, and moved to take the sleeping boy away. But a small Koropokkuru had sat herself on the child's shoulder.  
  
Little Kororo had been allowed to keep guard over the boy, from then onward.  
  
_The images fades, and the land of HoroHoro's paradise merged back into the room around them.  
  
The Ainu was quiet, merely watching Ren.  
  
In turn, the Chinese boy was shocked. "HoroHoro? What was that?"  
  
"Was what? You just kinda spaced out for a few minutes there."  
  
Before Ren tell what he saw, he spied little Kororo, nestled in the limp blue spikes. Ren decided to not speak on what had been revealed to him, instead just offering what few words he could.  
  
"You know, just because you father doesn't care, doesn't mean neither do we."  
  
"We?"  
  
"Yeah. Me, Kororo, your sister," he took a breath, "Chokorabu, You, Ryou, Tamao. Even Anna.. I think..."  
  
HoroHoro smiled. "You suck at uplifting speeches."  
  
"Thank you very much."  
  
"Hey Ren?"  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"I'm sorry I left. I felt bad that I .. Well, you do know that You's the one who saved you, right? Not me."  
  
"You may have been the one to give the final blow, but you're the one who looked after me until then."  
  
..They can't tell me who to be..   
..'Cuz I'm not what they see..   
..Yeah, the would is still seeping while I keep on dreaming for me..   
..And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe..   
-note- beware ahead-  
  
HoroHoro gave his famous grin. "Oi, Ren. That maybe why I like you so much."  
  
"What?"  
  
The boy stretched out, and fell back on to the bed, his eyes closed. "You're an ass. A cold unfeeling bastard of a boy. You treat me like shit. But when I fall as far as I can go, You're always there to pull me back. In your own annoying Ren way."  
  
Ren didn't know what to say. He'd never been given such an insultive complement before. Or was it a complementative insult? Unable to decide, he began to trace random folds on his pants.  
  
One particular fold took him over to HoroHoro's boxers.  
  
"Ren?"The question was tired and thick with sleep, but the said boy focused himself on the fabric.  
  
Only the fabric soon vanished to bare skin, and Ren found himself slowly tracing the faint scars and bruises.  
  
When no complaint arose, the Tao looked over to the other's face. HoroHoro's breathing had slowed, and even though his eyes were still cracked, he'd clearly dozed off.  
  
Ren snickered a bit, but continued with his lazy patterns. He crept down the leg, noticing then the faint doodles still marring his skin.  
  
"Is this why you freaked out on me before?"  
  
Almost disheartened, Ren gazed back to the face of the sleeping boy. He learned over to check the bandages wrapping themselves around HoroHoro's head. His friend seemed to suffer many head injuries, and Ren feared the next brain scramble might not unscramble correctly.  
  
..And I want a moment to be real..   
..Wanna touch things I don't feel..   
..Wanna hold on, and feel I belong..  
  
Slowly Ren ran his hand along the cheek and down the jawline. He noted how cold HoroHoro's skin was to the touch. Under the Jaw. Down the neck. Across the bandages.  
  
"Ren?"  
  
"Hmm."  
  
The boy looked at him, eyes still cracked only so. "Whatcha doin'?"  
  
"Something."  
  
"Something isn't an answer."  
  
"HoroHoro...It's nice having a conversation with you without fighting...Can we keep it like that?"  
  
HoroHoro pouted as his words were used against him. He sat up, and Ren's hand fell from resting on his chest, to resting in his lap.  
  
Both boys looked down at the hand. HoroHoro in absolute mortification, and Ren in slight amusement.  
  
And Ren made no attempt at removing it.  
  
HoroHoro looked to Ren, face saying 'Excuse me..'  
  
And Ren looked back. 'My, how'd that get there?'  
  
"Do you mind?!"  
  
"Not really." A slight twitch of the lips showed how much Ren was grinning. Obviously, he was having WAY to much fun.  
  
"REN!"  
  
"Shh, HoroHoro. You wouldn't want one of the others to come in....Or would you?"  
  
HoroHoro lowered his voice to a whisper. "MOVE YOUR HAND!" His voice was Harsh, and Ren obeyed.  
  
But not quite how HoroHoro meant.  
  
The Ainu's eyes got really, really big and he made to escape. Ren once again pinned him.  
  
"HoroHoro.. just let me try this,, just once.."  
  
..And how can they say I'll never change..   
..They're the ones who stay the same..   
..I'm the one now..   
..'Cuz I'm still here..  
  
"Ren.. I-"  
  
The other smiled at him. Not the cold grin he'd often used, but something softer. Ren's fingers ran a course over the white fabric. The air temperature dropped as HoroHoro reacted naturally to the evil workings of the Tao.  
  
"We're gonna ruin you're clothes."  
  
The comment brought a look of naive confusion and shock.  
  
Ren laughed softly at the boy. His hand went up, then down under the light fabric. One tug pulled off the cloth and allowed Ren full access to the flesh beneath.  
  
The ice shaman moaned, and the sound mixed with the freezing air sent goosebumps down Ren's arms.  
  
The Chinese bent down, blowing kissed on HoroHoro's tight skin. Any idea of self-control was lost on the other, and Ren took advantage of that. As he busied his mouth, he happened to glace at the newly exposed flesh before him. There – once hidden by cloth, high on the thigh – was a dark, vibrant scar. His amusement in his actions turned sober and he faltered in his pattern.  
  
Which did not do unnoticed. "Re-n?"  
  
The boy turned back to his ministrations, finishing his work. The room literally exploded with an artic blast as HoroHoro came. Ren couldn't help his snickers as he swallowed.  
  
He licked his lips once, savoring the taste, before raining soft kisses on the tired body. But once again, the scar caused him to pause. Ren settled for resting his forehead against the dry gash.  
  
As he rested, he allowed his visible eye to travel around the room. Ice had formed on the walls, and clung to everything. It all looked like it would shatter under the slightest pressure. Under his head, he could both hear and feel the blood racing though HoroHoro's body.  
  
HoroHoro, in turn, had fallen back on the bed during the process, and was now gasping for air as he stared at the ceiling.  
  
..I'm the one now..   
..'Cuz I'm still here..   
..I'm still here..   
..I'm still here..   
..I'm still here..  
  
"God Ren.. I ... We.. You.."  
  
Ren pulled himself away from the scar, and sat next to the other.. "Baka."  
  
There was a knock at the door, and both boys jumped. Ren grabbed HoroHoro's shorts and began to shove them on the poor owner as the door opened a crack.  
  
"Eh.. Ren? Oniichan? You two done yet?"  
  
Ren left HoroHoro, to finish pulling on his boxers on his own, in favor of pushing the girl back out in the hall.  
  
The girl was grinning, and giving Ren a daemon's smile.  
  
"Uh.. we were just – "  
  
"Oh, I know exactly what 'You were just' doing."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yeah, really." She pointed back to the door way, which to had formed ice hanging upon it. "Right down to the 'X'."  
  
Ren stammered, trying to think of something.  
  
Instead the girl raised her hands. "I have two brothers, remember? Onii-san did the same thing when he had over I know all about it." She grinned, and then began to look Ren over, as if seeing him for the first time.  
  
Ren gave a visible 'twitch.' "What are you looking at?"  
  
"Oniichan's never even given off a snowflake before. I just wanna see what finally caught his fancy."  
  
Ren blinked as the information processed.  
  
"Not bad. Too scrawny if you ask me, but Oniichan always has been a little weird on taste. I personally would go for somebody a little bigger, tougher. Maybe taller –"  
  
"Excuse me?!"  
  
"Well, enjoy!" She smiled at him, but before she stepped away, she spoke up again, he stupid smile still there. "He'll love you with no end. Make sure you honor that, If you hurt him, I'm not the only one that will be hurting you."  
  
END  
  
Notes... erm. I personally think that last section.. sucked. ( In both ways) but I added the licking the lips part for JenJyuGoSan. She liked the idea after reading the fight between Ren and You. If I translated the names wrong, I'm really sorry! I've only ever read the Japanese Manga, but apparently the anime is out in the States. I probably buy it here though. I hate dubbing. I also love the Manga! I'm not a big anime fan – which is funny, because that's what everyone called me, but I really don't like Anime. Oh well. Can't win them all.  
  
"And one day, you'll realize the Anime isn't real, and that the boys wont pop put with their homo-erotic ways" Chloe   
And a quote from a slut here with an exchange group. She hates everything Japanese, but this is her second time in Japan though State money. I had to pay every cent to get here. Anyway, she said this, which kinda spawned the idea to write a yaoi. Anywho... see ya later!


End file.
